One of the biggest obstacles guys have in the game is the approach. It’s the most daunting part of the entire interaction with the girl, so much so that we are paralyzed into inaction. See, we are designed in a way to avoid pain and prolong pleasure. In any circumstance, our brain weighs the pain-pleasure scale and decides whether or not it wants to do something. The problem is, usually the “pain” part of approaching is imaginary.
We tend to imagine the worst possible scenarios—the girl running away, thinking you’re some creep, telling you to fuck off, etc. The scene keeps looping in our head, whether created or pieced together from skewed memories, and we start to believe it. We retreat so far into our head that we don’t notice that she is already gone…and then when we come back into reality, we just brush it off as she was not worth approaching anyway.
This all happens within a very short period of a few seconds.
Most “pickup gurus” out there always try to sell you the “magic bullet” to get a girl interested. They offer lines, routines, body language advice, and all that other nonsense. They guarantee that if you use their “product” you will get success. Guess what? They are right! But I can guarantee that you will fail as well.
The truth is no matter what you do, whether it’s a canned opener or just a normal “hi”, there is a chance you will encounter BAD reactions from girls. I’ve been doing this for quite a while now and I can tell you, I still get girls who run away from me, even girls who are SCARED of me. It’s so outrageous, I still laugh at it. The moment when you see the fear in their eyes and they are not smiling. Thinking back, it’s quite hilarious.
But there’s another side to it. There are approaches I’ve done that have gone GREAT. When the conversation just flows; we are in the moment and everything else fades away. Then we realize that we have to go, and numbers are exchanged.
The problem is our scumbag brain only chooses the focus on the “pain” instead of the “pleasure”…
…which makes us anxious to approach.
Getting Success
The model of success is a never-ending cycle. Success boosts your confidence; confidence drives you to succeed. The problem is where do you start. There are two ways to do it. One is to fake confidence, which is to short-circuit the cycle at the confidence part, the other is to get success through action. For me, it is harder to fake confidence and come across as genuine. I much prefer the harder road, but the one which leads to greater permanent growth.
To go out and GET success.
Success is easy to get, but initially it might not come by too often. Any rookie into the game can easily stumble upon a successful set in, maybe, the first 100 sets, or 50 sets or even 10 sets. It depends largely on how socially calibrated you are.
The problem is sometimes, we don’t do enough to get sufficient evidence to hit the threshold of belief. Then anxiety takes over, and we don’t do anything at all. After a while we forget the success we’ve had and confidence is never achieved.
Getting success is taking action. You cannot control what happens when you approach; how the girl will react. A lot of guys focus on what they do; what they say, and they forget the fact that it’s an INTERACTION—the girl is also a variable. There are some people in the community that believe strongly in the “what you say doesn’t matter” mentality. This is only half true, but it’s a good mentality to adopt at the start because then it doesn’t matter what you do, just as long as you do something.
You have to create the opportunity for the both of you to meet. You have to lead the conversation and the newly built relationship to where YOU want it to go. But you can only bring the horse to the water, but you can’t make it drink…if it’s not thirsty.
I will talk about creating attraction in the next part, but right now the focus should be on “Creating Opportunities”. If you don’t take the initiative, it ends there. I’ve been a huge pusher of going out and failing, because I recognize that success is something everyone can get with a little bit of luck, but not everyone is desensitized to rejection. And the best, most confident people out there are immune to rejection…some to the point of pachydermic behavior.
When you are going out approach, it’s just a matter of rinse and repeat.
Of course, it isn’t just that simple. Human interaction is infinitely more complex than that. You can fail a test and still carry on; you can pass a test but because your confidence overwhelms her, she walks away.
My point is, failure is something that doesn’t kill. Ultimately, you want to come from a place of security and value-giving, that even if it ends poorly, you have the skills necessary to meet another girl, and the abundance of choice.
Approach anxiety stems from the lack of success. I am now in a place that I know there are people who are friendly and willing to get to know you. I have had enough experiences to break the threshold of belief, so that now I am more inclined to go when I am feeling unsure.
The negativity and the anxiety NEVER goes away. But by having the success and confidence, I can easily identify when I’m being a little bitch and then approach. Approach Anxiety is a chronic disease, success is the suppressant. When you’re on the confidence high, born of a string of successes, you will enter the flow state, where you are your BEST self and the approach anxiety disease goes into remission for a bit.
The next part, I will talk about actions to take to break out of your approach anxiety into achieving the success you need to build your confidence. This part is just chock full of dry, boring theoretical stuff. It is important to understand the root of the problem so you can burn it from there.
It’s not what you do, but who you are…and you are enough.
P.S./ Author’s note (Feb 20 2012): I have already written the “Approach Anxiety, Part 2″ article. Go here to find out how you can gain access.
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